Will I ever do this again???

When we first got pregnant we thought that after this we would probably have another child. Then pregnancy hit in full force and complications happened, and now I'm wondering "Can I do this again? Will these complications happen again?". I've written about these experiences briefly on facebook, but since that will never get printed as a "journal" and this will, I thought I should document everything.

First was the morning sickness (or, as all moms know, "all day sickness"). That was fine-it was annoying, I lost weight, but expected. Then, at 13 weeks, when I finally felt "safe", I bled. It wasn't a ton, but it was bright red, and enough to worry me and make me cry. It didn't help that I had both girls with me and they saw me crying about it. Luckily the doctor saw me right away and did an ultrasound to show that the baby was still there with a strong heartbeat. They told me to take it easy that week and come back for a check-up. So I took that "take it easy" to heart :) I had my checkup the following Thursday morning and all was fine. Dave went out of town that night, and sure enough, after he leaves and I'm alone at home, I (warning: a little graphic here) passed a clot. It was substantial enough to worry me, but since I didn't have any cramping that is usually normal with a miscarriage, I didn't go to the emergency room-just had another visit with the doctor in the morning. Again, everything was fine.

Skip to a couple weeks later, on Friday night. Everything is completely fine, haven't had any problems, I'm not doing anything crazy (like moving furniture or anything). Middle of the night I startle myself awake because I could feel something "down there". I jump out of bed, run into the bathroom, and get into the tub. There was blood pouring out of me like niagara falls. I have to yell to get Dave awake (his inability to wake up is the reason I will eventually have an alarm system-we could be robbed with shots firing and he wouldn't wake up). There was a trail of blood from the bed to the bathroom, but luckily not enough to damage anything. We called the on-call doctor again and he sent us to the ER. By the time I got there the bleeding had stopped, but at home I had once again passed a huge clot. They take blood and have an ultrasound tech come in for a pretty in depth ultrasound. Baby was fine, normal heartbeat-thank goodness. After spending about 3 hours there, we were told that it was an abruption or a chorionic hematoma, and they sent us home with instructions for strict bed rest for the weekend and a follow-up on Monday at my doctor. That was totally awesome-that explanation was not up for interpretation AT ALL (insert sarcasm here).

Now, "taking it easy" I can do. Strict bed rest??? SHOOT ME NOW!!! I am so sorry to every woman who has ever had to do that for an extended period of time. And by extended I mean more than one day.

At my dr. visit on Monday I was told that it wasn't an abruption or a hematoma. Yes, I spent the whole weekend google-ing those terms and didn't like what they had to say. Weird explanation, hard to put into words, but essentially, there are some membranes that came out of my sac that are meant to meet up with membranes that come out of the uterus to form parts of the placenta. But some of those membranes were never met up with other membranes, so they created a "clot" or build-up. That's why, on the ultrasound, it looked like an abruption. But those membranes were causing the build-up of blood in my uterus, which clotted at the bottom, then at times those clots and the pools of blood would come out.

So, I've been monitored since then. Each time I have an ultrasound they measure that clot/build-up of membranes and the pools of blood. The only "threat" I have is miniscule and it's that the blood that pools in my uterus can possibly irritate my sac as it gets bigger, which can cause my water to break early. That could be 14 weeks early or 1 week early, or it could not happen at all. Dave gave me a blessing and I was told that Heavenly Father is in charge. Of course, I knew that :) But I was told that the baby would be okay.

So, yay for all that.

THEN...

At my 21 week appointment, as I was in the waiting room, my heart was racing and it felt hard to catch my breath. It didn't feel so much like I wasn't getting enough air, more like psychologically I felt like I needed to breathe more to match how fast my heart was going. When the nurse took my vitals my pulse was 105. But I went in to my appointment (the big ultrasound one) and it stopped so I forgot to ask about it.

Fast forward 3 weeks. This heart racing thing has been occuring pretty regularly. It lasts anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes. I've gotten used to it, and it usually isn't a problem. Well, Bree and I decide to be girly girls and hit the mall. I had been having the heart racey thing, but just expected it to go away. I got on to the freeway heading south in Pleasant Grove. For a minute everything was fine, then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to pass out. I knew it was coming and looked to the right and...NO SHOULDER! Stupid construction. There wasn't a single place for me to pull over. I put on my emergency lights. Then I said a prayer. I knew it was going to happen fast so I had the feeling to just start braking, even though I was in a freeway lane.

When I came to, I found myself in this little triangle shoulder space. The freeway lanes all moved to the left, while the concrete barrier continued on straight where the new lanes of freeway had been built but weren't open yet. Orange contruction barrels lined the freeway. I was in this little bit of space right next to the freeway lanes, a contruction barrel 1 inch in front of my bumper and the right side of my car 1 inch from the concrete barrier, and my passenger rearview mirror had been pushed in. Semi trucks were going right past me and shaking my car because of how close I was. There was no way I could even open my door to move the barrier to pull ahead-I would have gotten hit. To be honest, I was really shocked that cars weren't noticing me right there and moving over to the left "just in case"-that's what I would have done had I seen a car where mine was! I have no recollection at all of how I got there and how I ended up perfectly in that spot. But I know that I was being watched over by angels. There was some serious divine intervention there.

I called 911 and they sent services. When the policeman arrived and pulled up directly behind me, he was still in the freeway lane-that's how perfectly positioned I was. He moved the barrier and I pulled forward. Emergency services took me (and Bree) in the ambulance. All my vitals were fine, blood sugar was fine, baby was fine. They couldn't find a reason for me passing out-all they could think of was a sudden drop in blood pressure. Bree cried the second she saw the police officer and continued until she saw Dave at the hospital. She kept telling the emergency workers that she wanted to go to the MALL!

They ran tests, which all came back normal. I was sent home with a 24 hour heart monitor, to see if I would have another of my heart racing episodes. Hopefully I'll hear some results soon. Throughout the day I stayed pretty upbeat about it all. My mom came and Dave's dad came by, and I had the BYU game that night to distract me from thinking too hard about it all. But when the evening came and I went to bed I could not sleep at all. I just kept thinking about how Bree was in the car with me and how I could have seriously injured her, or even got us killed. If she was even a little bit older and could understand a little bit more, this experience could really have traumatized her. I tossed and turned until finally I just cried. Even though I KNEW things were okay, and I KNEW I was watched over by Heavenly Father, it was still a hard reality to face. I didn't fall asleep until 6:15 the following morning.

I feel fine and pretty confident while driving. It really wouldn't have been an issue if there was a shoulder in the road to pull over onto. But if I drive more than just around our neighborhood I start to feel weird and wonder if I'm going to pass out. I think it's just a psychological thing-tricking my body into thinking I need to breathe more deeply, or thinking too hard about a funny headache or a touch of nausea. I'm constantly checking which roads I'm driving on, to make sure there's a place for me to pull over just in case. I usually tend to look more on the positive side of things and try hard not to let too much negativity into my life, but I would be less than honest if I said I was completely fine about what happened. But I just move forward, knowing that I can't change the past, just do things differently to avoid the same thing happening again.

But I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who watches over His children. I know that this same circumstance has happened to other people, but not with the same ending. This could have gone very differently. But I'm so thankful that my little Bree was not hurt. I'm thankful for family and friends who pray for us on a daily basis, and who provide love and support. I'm thankful that I was given the "feeling" to put on my emergency lights and start braking. I'm grateful that, as I was going through all the thought processes before I actually passed out, I had a clear mind. My thoughts weren't jumbled and I wasn't confused. I had complete clarity of mind, and I attribute that to my Heavenly Father. We are blessed!