Will I ever do this again???

When we first got pregnant we thought that after this we would probably have another child. Then pregnancy hit in full force and complications happened, and now I'm wondering "Can I do this again? Will these complications happen again?". I've written about these experiences briefly on facebook, but since that will never get printed as a "journal" and this will, I thought I should document everything.

First was the morning sickness (or, as all moms know, "all day sickness"). That was fine-it was annoying, I lost weight, but expected. Then, at 13 weeks, when I finally felt "safe", I bled. It wasn't a ton, but it was bright red, and enough to worry me and make me cry. It didn't help that I had both girls with me and they saw me crying about it. Luckily the doctor saw me right away and did an ultrasound to show that the baby was still there with a strong heartbeat. They told me to take it easy that week and come back for a check-up. So I took that "take it easy" to heart :) I had my checkup the following Thursday morning and all was fine. Dave went out of town that night, and sure enough, after he leaves and I'm alone at home, I (warning: a little graphic here) passed a clot. It was substantial enough to worry me, but since I didn't have any cramping that is usually normal with a miscarriage, I didn't go to the emergency room-just had another visit with the doctor in the morning. Again, everything was fine.

Skip to a couple weeks later, on Friday night. Everything is completely fine, haven't had any problems, I'm not doing anything crazy (like moving furniture or anything). Middle of the night I startle myself awake because I could feel something "down there". I jump out of bed, run into the bathroom, and get into the tub. There was blood pouring out of me like niagara falls. I have to yell to get Dave awake (his inability to wake up is the reason I will eventually have an alarm system-we could be robbed with shots firing and he wouldn't wake up). There was a trail of blood from the bed to the bathroom, but luckily not enough to damage anything. We called the on-call doctor again and he sent us to the ER. By the time I got there the bleeding had stopped, but at home I had once again passed a huge clot. They take blood and have an ultrasound tech come in for a pretty in depth ultrasound. Baby was fine, normal heartbeat-thank goodness. After spending about 3 hours there, we were told that it was an abruption or a chorionic hematoma, and they sent us home with instructions for strict bed rest for the weekend and a follow-up on Monday at my doctor. That was totally awesome-that explanation was not up for interpretation AT ALL (insert sarcasm here).

Now, "taking it easy" I can do. Strict bed rest??? SHOOT ME NOW!!! I am so sorry to every woman who has ever had to do that for an extended period of time. And by extended I mean more than one day.

At my dr. visit on Monday I was told that it wasn't an abruption or a hematoma. Yes, I spent the whole weekend google-ing those terms and didn't like what they had to say. Weird explanation, hard to put into words, but essentially, there are some membranes that came out of my sac that are meant to meet up with membranes that come out of the uterus to form parts of the placenta. But some of those membranes were never met up with other membranes, so they created a "clot" or build-up. That's why, on the ultrasound, it looked like an abruption. But those membranes were causing the build-up of blood in my uterus, which clotted at the bottom, then at times those clots and the pools of blood would come out.

So, I've been monitored since then. Each time I have an ultrasound they measure that clot/build-up of membranes and the pools of blood. The only "threat" I have is miniscule and it's that the blood that pools in my uterus can possibly irritate my sac as it gets bigger, which can cause my water to break early. That could be 14 weeks early or 1 week early, or it could not happen at all. Dave gave me a blessing and I was told that Heavenly Father is in charge. Of course, I knew that :) But I was told that the baby would be okay.

So, yay for all that.

THEN...

At my 21 week appointment, as I was in the waiting room, my heart was racing and it felt hard to catch my breath. It didn't feel so much like I wasn't getting enough air, more like psychologically I felt like I needed to breathe more to match how fast my heart was going. When the nurse took my vitals my pulse was 105. But I went in to my appointment (the big ultrasound one) and it stopped so I forgot to ask about it.

Fast forward 3 weeks. This heart racing thing has been occuring pretty regularly. It lasts anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes. I've gotten used to it, and it usually isn't a problem. Well, Bree and I decide to be girly girls and hit the mall. I had been having the heart racey thing, but just expected it to go away. I got on to the freeway heading south in Pleasant Grove. For a minute everything was fine, then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to pass out. I knew it was coming and looked to the right and...NO SHOULDER! Stupid construction. There wasn't a single place for me to pull over. I put on my emergency lights. Then I said a prayer. I knew it was going to happen fast so I had the feeling to just start braking, even though I was in a freeway lane.

When I came to, I found myself in this little triangle shoulder space. The freeway lanes all moved to the left, while the concrete barrier continued on straight where the new lanes of freeway had been built but weren't open yet. Orange contruction barrels lined the freeway. I was in this little bit of space right next to the freeway lanes, a contruction barrel 1 inch in front of my bumper and the right side of my car 1 inch from the concrete barrier, and my passenger rearview mirror had been pushed in. Semi trucks were going right past me and shaking my car because of how close I was. There was no way I could even open my door to move the barrier to pull ahead-I would have gotten hit. To be honest, I was really shocked that cars weren't noticing me right there and moving over to the left "just in case"-that's what I would have done had I seen a car where mine was! I have no recollection at all of how I got there and how I ended up perfectly in that spot. But I know that I was being watched over by angels. There was some serious divine intervention there.

I called 911 and they sent services. When the policeman arrived and pulled up directly behind me, he was still in the freeway lane-that's how perfectly positioned I was. He moved the barrier and I pulled forward. Emergency services took me (and Bree) in the ambulance. All my vitals were fine, blood sugar was fine, baby was fine. They couldn't find a reason for me passing out-all they could think of was a sudden drop in blood pressure. Bree cried the second she saw the police officer and continued until she saw Dave at the hospital. She kept telling the emergency workers that she wanted to go to the MALL!

They ran tests, which all came back normal. I was sent home with a 24 hour heart monitor, to see if I would have another of my heart racing episodes. Hopefully I'll hear some results soon. Throughout the day I stayed pretty upbeat about it all. My mom came and Dave's dad came by, and I had the BYU game that night to distract me from thinking too hard about it all. But when the evening came and I went to bed I could not sleep at all. I just kept thinking about how Bree was in the car with me and how I could have seriously injured her, or even got us killed. If she was even a little bit older and could understand a little bit more, this experience could really have traumatized her. I tossed and turned until finally I just cried. Even though I KNEW things were okay, and I KNEW I was watched over by Heavenly Father, it was still a hard reality to face. I didn't fall asleep until 6:15 the following morning.

I feel fine and pretty confident while driving. It really wouldn't have been an issue if there was a shoulder in the road to pull over onto. But if I drive more than just around our neighborhood I start to feel weird and wonder if I'm going to pass out. I think it's just a psychological thing-tricking my body into thinking I need to breathe more deeply, or thinking too hard about a funny headache or a touch of nausea. I'm constantly checking which roads I'm driving on, to make sure there's a place for me to pull over just in case. I usually tend to look more on the positive side of things and try hard not to let too much negativity into my life, but I would be less than honest if I said I was completely fine about what happened. But I just move forward, knowing that I can't change the past, just do things differently to avoid the same thing happening again.

But I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who watches over His children. I know that this same circumstance has happened to other people, but not with the same ending. This could have gone very differently. But I'm so thankful that my little Bree was not hurt. I'm thankful for family and friends who pray for us on a daily basis, and who provide love and support. I'm thankful that I was given the "feeling" to put on my emergency lights and start braking. I'm grateful that, as I was going through all the thought processes before I actually passed out, I had a clear mind. My thoughts weren't jumbled and I wasn't confused. I had complete clarity of mind, and I attribute that to my Heavenly Father. We are blessed!

Can't get enough Pink!

Dave is doomed. I, on the other hand, am in heaven. I should start making a list of all the things I want to make for this little chica before she gets here. Do I want to attempt another round of baby bedding? Probably, since I can't stand most of what is (affordably) out there. Now that I've been exposed to "good" fabric I just don't appreciate what I find at a lot of places. But we'll see. We'll need to fix our crib and changing table-they have been through a lot. Not that the girls have caused any damage. But moving across the country 2 times, plus a move across a few states in a truck with no shocks really made them a work of art. "Distressed" is in, right? Cuz these are pretty distressed. Hopefully a new coat of paint will do the trick.

I've finally been feeling better! I got a prescription of zofran just in time not to use it. I still need to eat something late at night and first thing in the morning, and I can't reach too far back on my tongue when I brush it. I still can't eat certain things and really need to give in to my cravings (all things COLD and Mexican). I wish I had a slurpee machine in my house. And a never-ending supply of Sonic's Cherry Limeade. It's a good thing I don't otherwise I'd be a nice blob right now. I haven't gotten ONE slurpee and only one cherry limeade. It was gone pretty quickly-no lingering over that. But other than that I AM GOOD! I feel like I've been cheating on my favorite food (hamburgers), much to Dave's dismay. If we have a date night I no longer want Red Robin or Apollo, which are both too far away for Dave to go enjoy by himself. He took the girls to the Orem rec center to swim last Saturday just so he could have an excuse to go to Apollo. He denies this.

The girls finally started some activities! I feel like I'm being a good mom! Emma took a little ballet hiatus after her recital in June. I was hoping to have her try something else, but she really is good at it and loves it so much, so I put her back in. Bree is exploring gymnastics (her pronounciation-anathtickth-cracks me up every time) and is LOVING IT. I knew this would be right up her alley. She's going to be our little athlete. They gave me a leotard for her and had to show me how to fix it so it would actually fit, she's so tiny. At her first week that asked me if she was 3 yet. When I told them she was 4 they about had a heart attack. She's tiny, but I love to pinch her little buns :) And even as little as she is, she's starting to catch up to Emma! Sweet girl-Emma asked us the other day why everyone in her grade always tells her how tiny she is.

I also FINALLY started them in piano lessons!!!!! Emma has been dying to learn for a while now and I just haven't had the confidence to teach her. But that's okay b/c I'm not very good at teaching my own children these types of things. I could never homeschool. I get impatient too easily and expect too much. I don't understand what's "normal" at certain ages, so I get frustrated when they don't grasp certain things. So I found a teacher for the both of them. She comes to our house, takes a little bit of time with Bree and the rest of the time with Emma. Both girls picked up on things pretty quickly, and the teacher said that Emma is really bright and will probably progress fast. I think Emma is a very smart child, but because she doesn't have that Type A, red personality, it surprises me when she excels. I have no idea why I associate the two, but I do. But I'm happy that she's happy with the things she is doing!

In other "family news", we're close to buying in to the practice where Dave works. Negotiations have started over a new location site, and we're hoping to be up and running by June. This means we might need to move to be closer, which makes me SAD. I love love love love love where we live. We might be able to stick around here, but it means we sacrifice in other areas (commute time??), so we just have to decide what our family priorities are. But this is going to be a big year for us! New practice, new baby, and maybe we can buy a house! Maybe...

Aren't they cute?

I have a lot of random pictures of funny things that don't really fit into a big blog post, so here's the catch-all blog post.

There's our little tiny bitty Mari. She's 2 1/2 and the ittiest thing you'll ever see. Notice how the dress-ups are still huge on top of her clothes? The girls were so proud of dressing her up and she was so happy to be a part of the "big" girls!

I wouldn't help Bree make a fort so she took matters into her own hands. Her creativity is impressive.

This is usually how "Bree dresses herself" turns out.

Some "decorating the tree" love

Just another exciting day of dress-ups and pretend play at the Latham household

She really really does want to be Hannah Montana when she grows up.

First day of school. She's off to full day school and I'm off to surgery.

Ummm...this is what happens when you buy fruity scented markers.

Christmas 2010

Santa brought what the girls were begging for. The hard part for Santa was that the girls knew that American Girl Dolls are supposed to look JUST LIKE YOU, so trying to match their red hair at, say, a less expensive North Pole factory, just didn't work. So the real deal it was. Pillow pets and Barbie cars were also in high demand and were equally loved. It made me happy that as they were opening presents they were so excited for each other. They were thrilled that the reindeer ate their food, Santa ate the cookies, drank the chocolate milk and even left a note for them! Christmas is magical for these young ones and I'm so grateful to watch the magic play out.

And we ended the evening by stopping here for this magnificent scenery.

Christmas is Coming!

We had Christmas Eve with my extended family, nativity and all! That was a highlight of Christmas growing up and I've wanted our girls to experience it and have good memories like mine. I think it was a success!

"Mary" riding Austin the donkey

the wise guys

The girls got to open their Christmas jammies and made sure to show them off to everyone.

have tutu, will dance

Then it was cookies for Santa. Emma is such a sweetie, "Mom, since Santa does SO MUCH for us, we should do something nice for him. So I'm going to leave food for his reindeer TOO!"

Snow day

The girls LOVE to play in the snow. I could take it or leave it. Mostly leave it. I hate how long it takes to bundle them up, I hate that it's such an ordeal to come in and out of the house with all that gear and tracking in snow, I hate worrying that they're too cold and will get frostbite, I hate that after I spend all that time bundling them up they spend 5 minutes outside and want to come in...only to want to go out again 10 minutes later!

BUT...they have such fun and I love to hear them giggle and laugh when they are out enjoying the cold stuff. And they love love LOVE to eat snow. Good thing this stuff was fresh and clean. That's about where the "good" ends. I had to shovel the driveway. Now, I'm not complaining too much because we used to have to shovel THIS:

And that was just the front half of the driveway. But that was before I had surgery on my wrist (still not fully recovered) and I wasn't pregnant. So the combo didn't make for a happy lady. Dave works such long hours so I bit the bullet and shoveled. Two days later I couldn't understand why my body was so achy and my shoulders hurt so bad. I was reminded very quickly when I crunched over the pile of snow that had solidified into ice at the base of the driveway and worried that my tires were going to be punctured.
But, anyways. Here are the cute pictures of the munchkins enjoying the snow. At least someone at this house needs to enjoy it.

Bree turns 4!

When I asked what kind of birthday party she wanted she was quick to say BARBIE! She and Emma didn't really play with Barbies previous to this, but the party must have sparked something b/c they love to play Barbies now!

I had fun with the invitations and the little poster for pin the bow on the Barbie. I even put together a new birthday banner to match. Bree just wanted to have fun and play, so that's what we did! I painted their nails and they had a little lunch and cupcakes and CANDY, and we played musical chairs. Then it was BARBIE TIME in the basement! They just played and played. All the little girls got along so well even though some of them didn't know each other! Just goes to show that every little girl has one thing in common-BARBIES! For a party favor I made some Barbie silhouette t-shirts. They turned out pretty cute, and my girls love them!