Warning: This is A Depressing Post. Proceed with Caution

I know that my posts usually are more on the light side of things, so for those of you who want to continue to think happy thoughts about me all the time I would recommend you don't read on. This is a depressing post, but with a sprinkling of hope and perspective too.

The vast majority of people who know me do not, in fact, know something rather big about me. I don't tell most people about it because I don't want them to feel awkward around me, but I've thought about it lately and I've decided that what I once viewed as a huge burden has become a blessing in disguise. This will take some explanation so this post may be a long one.

I suffer from a condition known as dysthymia. Basically this is a persistent low grade depression marked by occasional periods of severe depression. I've had this condition most of my life but didn't realize it until a little over a year ago when I had a very severe depressive episode. Why on earth would I tell you all this you may ask? Well, here comes the perspective part. I was able to recognize that something was wrong when someone spoke about their personal battle with depression in Church one Sunday. Until they described what they felt I didn't recognize my own feelings for what they were. So, I want to pass that onto someone who might be in need now.

Depression is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's honestly impossible to describe it adequately to someone who hasn't gone through it themselves. For me personally I felt like my soul was cracked and at any moment I would come crumbling apart all together. Nothing brought me any happiness and after a while I couldn't remember ever feeling happy, or peace, or hope. Situations that before would be easy to handle suddenly become a huge effort to deal with. I felt constantly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. Life was a chore and every morning was met with a feeling of dread knowing I had to go through the pain all over again. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I never considered ending it all, but for the first time in my life I understood why someone would. When life is constant agony it's hard to want to go on.

On top of all of this was a crushing guilt. I had no reason to feel this way. My life was great compared to so many other's. I have a great family, a wonderful wife, great kids, I'm achieving my goals. What was there to be so down about?

The smartest thing I did was make the decision to not fight the depression on my own. I knew that what I was going through would impact people close to me so I brought them on as a support system. The simple act of sharing and saying out loud what I was going through took a huge burden off of me. I saw a therapist for a while during the worst of it, and I spoke to my bishop about it. Loralee was a huge support. I know that some feel there is a stigma associated with depression, but I'm glad I wasn't so worried about what others might say about me that I tried to keep everything inside. That would have been a very big mistake.

How could this be a blessing? First let me say that I've made it through the depression with minimal scarring and now that I recognize the thoughts and feelings for what they are, even the minor depressive episodes are becoming more rare. More importantly I feel like I was allowed to go through this experience to give me some understanding of others who are suffering. Since I had my dark period there have been a number of people in my life who are also suffering. If I hadn't gone through it myself I would be looking in from the outside not knowing what to say. But since I have some idea what they're feeling I can let them know what helped me. Most importantly I can promise them that no matter how dark it is now, no matter how hopeless and alone they may feel, better times are ahead. It will pass, you will feel happy again.

I don't know why I've felt strongly that I needed to share this right now but I do. For good or for bad we are all connected to each other. So many people helped me when I was down and continue to bless my life now. I hope that those around me know that if they need help that I'll do what I can for them. For now this may just be sharing embarassing moments of my life for them to laugh at, but if that's what it takes then I'll take one for the team.

So in that spirit I present to you the new and improved Dave. AKA Mouth of Steel. Eat your hearts out ladies.